Spiritually speaking, what’s the best over-the-counter treatment for hemorrhoids ?

Make golden images of your hemorrhoids and set them on a cart, along with whatever it is you have stolen from God, and send it off to Israel.

1 Samuel 5:9-12 and 6:1-18 (The Message)

9 But as soon as they moved it there, God came down hard on that city, too. It was mass hysteria! He hit them with (hemorrhods)*. (Hemorrhods) broke out on everyone in town, young and old.

10-12 So they sent the Chest of God on to Ekron, but as the Chest was being brought into town, the people shouted in protest, “You’ll kill us all by bringing in this Chest of the God of Israel!” They called the Philistine leaders together and demanded, “Get it out of here, this Chest of the God of Israel. Send it back where it came from. We’re threatened with mass death!” For everyone was scared to death when the Chest of God showed up. God was already coming down very hard on the place. Those who didn’t die were hit with (hemorrhods). All over the city cries of pain and lament filled the air.

1-2 After the Chest of God had been among the Philistine people for seven months, the Philistine leaders called together their religious professionals, the priests, and experts on the supernatural for consultation: “How can we get rid of this Chest of God, get it off our hands without making things worse? Tell us!”
3 They said, “If you’re going to send the Chest of the God of Israel back, don’t just dump it on them. Pay compensation. Then you will be healed. After you’re in the clear again, God will let up on you. Why wouldn’t he?”

4-6 “And what exactly would make for adequate compensation?”

“Five gold (hemorrhods) and five gold rats,” they said, “to match the number of Philistine leaders. Since all of you—leaders and people—suffered the same plague, make replicas of the (hemorrhods) and rats that are devastating the country and present them as an offering to the glory of the God of Israel. Then maybe he’ll ease up and not be so hard on you and your gods, and on your country. Why be stubborn like the Egyptians and Pharaoh? God didn’t quit pounding on them until they let the people go. Only then did he let up.

7-9 “So here’s what you do: Take a brand-new oxcart and two cows that have never been in harness. Hitch the cows to the oxcart and send their calves back to the barn. Put the Chest of God on the cart. Secure the gold replicas of the (hemorrhods) and rats that you are offering as compensation in a sack and set them next to the Chest. Then send it off. But keep your eyes on it. If it heads straight back home to where it came from, toward Beth Shemesh, it is clear that this catastrophe is a divine judgment, but if not, we’ll know that God had nothing to do with it—it was just an accident.”

10-12 So that’s what they did: They hitched two cows to the cart, put their calves in the barn, and placed the Chest of God and the sack of gold rats and (hemorrhods) on the cart. The cows headed straight for home, down the road to Beth Shemesh, straying neither right nor left, mooing all the way. The Philistine leaders followed them to the outskirts of Beth Shemesh.

13-15 The people of Beth Shemesh were harvesting wheat in the valley. They looked up and saw the Chest. Jubilant, they ran to meet it. The cart came into the field of Joshua, a Beth Shemeshite, and stopped there beside a huge boulder. The harvesters tore the cart to pieces, then chopped up the wood and sacrificed the cows as a burnt offering to God. The Levites took charge of the Chest of God and the sack containing the gold offerings, placing them on the boulder. Offering the sacrifices, everyone in Beth Shemesh worshiped God most heartily that day.

16 When the five Philistine leaders saw what they came to see, they returned the same day to Ekron.

17-18 The five gold replicas of the (hemorrhods) were offered by the Philistines in compensation for the cities of Ashdod, Gaza, Ashkelon, Gath, and Ekron. The five gold rats matched the number of Philistine towns, both large and small, ruled by the five leaders. The big boulder on which they placed the Chest of God is still there in the field of Joshua of Beth Shemesh, a landmark.

* Most modern translations use the word “tumors”, but the King James and earlier versions call the “emrods in their secret parts”.

Hopefully this will help you on your quest for a cure.

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